Where Have All My Good Drives Gone?

From the Minute Books of the Bruntsfield Links Golf Club:

“Bruntsfield Links, 28th Sep. 1839

During the evening the Secretary sang the following impromptu:—

Come, all you Golfers stout and strong,
Who putt so sure and drive so long,
And I will sing you a good song,
About old Captain Aitken.”

I will spare you the remaining verses.

The Scottish and English Golf Clubs have always included songs in their rituals. For example a song called “The Golfer’s Garland” included in Robert Clark’s book, Golf: A Royal and Ancient Game, was said to be “composed for the Blackheath Golf Club, and often sung with great spirit …” Clark includes other songs in his book.

These golfing songs were often poems that where written to be sung using the melodies of familiar tunes. With that in mind, I penned the following song to be sung to the tune “Where have all the flowers gone?,” in hopes of continuing the tradition at some existing golf club. Those of you who remember the tune are encouraged to sing along.

Where have all my good drives gone?
(With apologies to Hank Haney, Stan
Utley, Gio Valiante, and Pete Seeger)

Where have all my good drives gone?
Mr. Haney please help me
Where have all my good drives gone?
So many holes to go
Where have all my good drives gone?
Hooks and slices aren’t much fun
When will I ever learn
To play this foolish game?

Where have all my good putts gone?
Mr.Utley please help me
Where have all my good putts gone?
I’m losing lots of dough
Where have all my good putts gone?
The first one short, the next one long
When will I ever learn
To play this foolish game?

Where have all my golf clubs gone?
Dr. Gio please help me
Where have all my golf clubs gone?
It’s likely that you know
Where have all my golf clubs gone?
Into the lake thrown one by one
Now I will never learn
To play this foolish game!

(For those who don’t follow the game as closely as I do, Hank Haney is Tiger’s coach, Stan Utley is a the premier putting instructor and Dr. Gio Valiante is a highly regarded golf psychologist.)